Below are the 5 most recent journal entries recorded in arbnranger's LiveJournal:

Friday, May 6th, 2005
3:42 am	confused, saddened, pissed, numb....... I am so fuckin confused right now. Stasha and i are on a "break" and im not entierly sure what that means. I just wish she could give a a no bullshit deffinition of what a break means. She is going through some hard times and she says she doesnt need the added stress of a relationship, but what i want to know is what kind of boyfriend would i be if i let her face this shit alone? i want to be there for her, no matter what happens. Alot of people would be pissed about this but im not, im just suprised more than anything. I leave for ft. jackson in 6 days, im going out there to endure the hardest 9 weeks of my life and she breaks up with me? I really do need her support while im gone, and im about two seconds away from going to her house and saying "no, we're not on a break, i am going to be there for you." here is a list of things she said and i am going to respond to them in list order as well: 1. you feel that i will leave her for someone prettier 2. you feel that its not fair to me that we havnt talked and that you cant be there for me 3. you feel that our relationship is just more stress for you to deal with. My responses: 1. I want to be with you and only you, for those of you who read my message to her, i meant every fuckin word in it. When i say i love someone i love them, i dont play games. You wrote me a poem saying "why did i choose to love you and not someone elst" you dont choose love, love choose you and i am happy i fell for you and not some fuckin floozy. You have class, beauty, compassion, attitude, all of which are qualities that i know you have, regaurdless of if you bealive it or not. 2. Knowing that you are there and that you love me is all the comfort i need. I understand that you cant talk to me because your grounded from the phone, and i understand that your going through your own shit. I can take anything this world throws my way and it takes a hell of alot to make me loose it. But today was a really bad day, and it would have helped knowing that i still have a girl friend to push for and to hold at the end of the day a know that everything will be alright. The ironic thing is, you felt that you werent there for me then- but now, 6 days from my ship date, when i will need the support the most you decied to break it of- life it, seems, is not without a sence of irony. 3.I dont understand how having someone who loves you unconditionaly, who will be your rock, your shoulder to cry on, is stressfull. If you love me as much as you say you do, than breaking up will only make things worse. We have gone through so much together and now when our future is just starting to show itself you end it? i am so lost right now, i need you in my life. Angle, i love you so much, and i know you love me back. Becuase of this i cant let you go down this road alone, i cant let you face this shit by yourself. I have been there, and i know what its like to hit rockbottom and not have anybody there to help you. There were times when i thought about wasting myself untill i realized that suicide is a cowards way out. Its a simple solution for a complex problem, and it is something that i look down upon with contempt. If you or any of my friends were to commit suicide, i would not cry for them, i would not go to their funeral, and i would loose all respect for them that i had. You have to ask yourself, is doing something that stupid worth putting all the people who love you through so much grief? Think of all the people who care about you that you would leave behind. Suicide is a selfesh way to do things. I would never forgive you if you did something like that, and i would never smile the same. A piece of my soul would die with you. I love you so much, and i will not let you face the things i had to face on your own. I dont hate you, im not pissed at you, im just very very lost right now and i just wish that you and me could talk things out. Current Mood: distressed Current Music: none (Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 3rd, 2005
12:33 am	to dan and wolf To wolf: Wolf, for the past thirteen you have always been a phone call away. I can pick up the phone and in 5 mikes were sitting in the lounge talking about life's mysteries. Its always been interesting to talk with you about the way the world works, the injustices and inequities we see, the deeply philosophical conversations about what the phrase "vortex of souls" means. The day i leave, will be the last time you will be a phone call away. But it brings hope to know that somebody in this place is going to make it, to be all that they can be, to not just settle for a 9 to 5 job being a wage slave so that they can make ends meet. I warms my heart to know that everyone in our innersanctum is going to be somebody. Im sure we will all make a big noise. We have had our rough times, very rough times, but that shit is over and done with and now its just like old times. The days spent shooting brown recluses under the bridge and going crawdad hunting in the creek are long behind us but there will be other days. I can remember having nerf wars in your basement, and just as we have all matured even that has, we cashed in our foam darts for 6mm plastic pellets fired at welt inflicting speed. But i guess thats how both our lives have turned out, we have both metamorphosed into something better, but that inner self is still there. I dont have one best friend, i have 5 best friends and each one brings something to the table. Our shared interest in philosophy is a source of hours and hours of conversation, but it doesnt dominate the friendship. Its nice to know that we can put aside the serious shit and form something like the rubber chicken cult, whose only goal is to better the world through destruction and random humor (insert video of a nintendo flying across the screen while someone exclaims OH SHEEIT!). It has been a pleasure making an ass of myself these past 13 years, and the vortex of souls will never be the same without you. You will be missed.Out. TOP 5 FAVORITE MEMORIES IN NO CERTAIN ORDER: 1. the flying nintendo 2. rubber chicken cult 3. vortex of souls weight lifting club, we exorcise every day 4. i came...i saw...THERE WAS A BREAST! DUH DUH DUH!!!!! 5. and then my friend.....YOU DIE! 6. Honorable mention goes to you diving for a poptart at ash's house in the middle of a shaving cream war. To Dan: God damn bro, has it really been 6 years? 6 years filled with as much violent talk as the entire street fighter series (the movies with sonny chiba, not the fuckin video game..dorks). I think within the first year or so we were completely desensitized to violence. All that talk about muay thai, jiu jutsu and our favorite fights makes me feel all warm and tingly inside. But when i comes down to it, i think some of the best times we have had were spent in complete silence. It still cracks me up about some of the mean-ass shit we say to each other, and its going to be hard waking up in the morning without having somebody to call a fucking jock douche bag, or smelly Scotsman. But conversely i am actually going to miss being called a stupid whop or some other derogatory term. You are indispensable, where the hell else could i find a friend with whom i can stop in mid-sentence and spar full contact with? Where the hell else am i going to find a friend who takes pleasure in small joint manipulation or the latest guard pass? Out of all the people i dont want to change, i hope you stay the same more than any of em. Not only are you Snow bunny my fellow ninja assassin but you are also a hell of a great friend, loyal, trusting, straight forward, and always ready to exchange low roundhouses and rear naked chokes. But when it all boils down, through all the mean shit we say, and all the pain we dispense, you are my brother and i couldnt imagine my life had i not have met you. I hope everything works out with you while im gone, i dont want you fuckin around, i dont want you to fall into the vortex of souls state of mind. Never be satisfied with a shitty hand in life, if you arn't happy with it, change it. Plain and simple, dont say its impossible, just know that you have the ability and with the motivation you can better your world. I love ya bro, and im going to miss the hell out of you. TOP 5 FAVORITE MEMORIES IN NO CERTAIN ORDER: 1. Random Ninja sightings 2. Staveros the amish kickboxing champion (he would fuck silvas shit up!) 3. The command center 4. Half ass days 5. Jerry Pelt, lord of the spinning hook kick honorable mention: Neogaifukiwama, hehe. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, May 2nd, 2005
2:58 am	to ash and stasha I have decided that each day i am going leave a message for each of the people i am leaving behind for them to look at. Today, i will write to ash and stasha. To ash: Ash, what can i say, 9 years is a long time to be friends. And like we always say, we're not just friends we're brother and sister. It seems like just yestarday i was chasing you around in the store parking lot with a squirt gun, but then i realize that it was about 7 years ago that i did that. When people have been friends as long as we have been you really get to know each other, we have the comfort with each other to just say whatever is on our mind, no matter how outrageous it may seem and know that even if what we say is pretty mean we dont mean it. Money cannot buy a friend like you, and all the shit in the world could not bribe someone to be a friend like you. We've had some big fights but in the end were still family and thats what counts. I know that these six months, like our fights, when over and done with we will still be family. Many things will change, but our friendship will stay the same. It used to bug about how protective you are of me, but then i realized i was guilty of the same thing. When get involved with someone your approval is as important as my approval and i dont think that i could ever have a relationship, friendly or romantic, with someone if you werent cool with them. Your the person i call when there are things i need to talk about that others wolnt understand, and when all is said and done your perspective gives me perspective, i wouldnt be where i am today without your help. I will miss you dearly, and when i get back we will have many stories to tell over cups of coffee and a game of gin. To Stasha: You know you have met somebody special when they fit with you. Not only in a mental sence, but physically. People are puzzle pieces who are all in search of a match. I think i have found my match in you, because you fit with me. I dont have to be somebody im not around you, you let me be who i am and you love me for who i am, not who i could be. And because of that i want to be the best i can for you; i never want to let you down and i never want you do be unhappy with me. Im not perfect but i sure as hell try to be for you. I know you have thought about taking a break while im away, and im not entirely sure what that means. Does it mean you want do be with someone else? Does it mean we will see other people untill i get back? or does it mean that it is all over? I will wait for you, i dont want to be with anybody else but you, and i hope you feel the same. We wolnt exactly be a couple while im gone, obviously, but we can still be as one. I just want to know what i have when i come back. I dont want to come back and find out that someone else has made you happier than me, i really dont know how i would react to something like that and just the thought of it makes me feel cold. Only time will tell what the future holds for us, and i hope you will wait for time to reveal what is in store for us."to the world you are just one person, but to one person you are the world". In this world of thieves and liers, kings and pesents, there is one quest that every person is on. Heros and cowards alike, are all in search of purpose, a reason to exhist. Why do i exhist? I exhist to complete someones puzzle, to be the match, the success where all others are failures. You are my match, you are my success. Loving you and being loved by you gives me strength beyond strength, with you in my heart i can move mountains and kiss the sky. You will always be in my heart, and when all is said and done and the rising sun finally sets, i will be able to say that stasha is my girl, and because of this i can sleep a happy man. Forever yours, Jimmy. Current Mood: indescribable Current Music: Iced Earth- Jack (Comment on this)
Sunday, May 1st, 2005
1:21 pm	more introspection i woke up a noon today as usual and went upstairs for breakfast. my mom started asking me about the military, which is the first time she has actually asked me any questions about the service. it wasnt anything detailed, she just wanted to know when i was leaving and if i will need any supplies while i was in boot. but still, she is finally asking, i just want her to be proud of me. we all get these bumper stickers in our enlistment package that say "proud parent of a army of one", i asked her to put it on her car and she basically said that she was not going to because she didnt feel that way. She has never been proud of me for anything i decide to do, she was only proud when i succeded in the activities she decided for me. She put me in swimming, i was number on in my age group in the tri-state area; she made me play french horn, i played solos in school concerts. But when i started martial arts and was able to take out people 4 or 5 ranks higher than me, she didnt care. Now that i am a soldier and i lead first squad, her attitude is that of casual neglect, as if she feels that ignoring the fact that i am in the army will change the reality of it. she was right though, she always said that i am capable of anything and there is not limit to my potential, i have only started to realize this in the past few months. I have learned through military training that pain, exhaustion, misery, and limitation are all states of mind. But on the flip side pleasure, happiness, and comfort is also a state of mind, so in essence our lifes experiences are all based on how our minds eye sees them. I am just learning it, but once i master that controll and have the discipline to controll my mental state there will be nothing i cant accomplish. I will be able to will myself to be happy or will myself through any shit-storm of anger. I am still thinking about stasha, ash told me something the other day that really hurt me deep inside. She said that stasha was thinking about taking a break while i was away, she was very adiment in the fact that she loved me and wanted to be with me, but she feels that itl be hard to be a couple when im somewhere else. I can see her point, but i want her to wait for me, we just overcame one boundary and i wolnt let another one keep us apart. I dont play games, if she wants to be with me then she is with me, there is no middle ground; i dont want to be half in love. So either we are together or not, i want her to be mine completely or not at all. I want to be with her more than anything, i miss her so much it hurts. I mean everything i say in my poems to her, and every time i say "i love you" its from the heart. I guess i just want to know where i stand with everybody, not only stasha but with all my friends. It is probably a response to the fact that i am leaving soon and i want to know if things will be the same when i get back. There is apart of me that knows, that things will never be the same, but i know that is not a bad thing. more later. NO BOUNDARIES, NO LIMITS, NO BARRIERS! if you cant jump it, ram through it. Current Mood: weird Current Music: megadeth-killing is my business....and business is good (Comment on this)
1:55 am	13 days 13 days untill i leave for ft. jackson in south carolina. 13 days untill i begin the rest of my life. The day i leave will be the last time i see my home for six months, and many things will change. When i come back, i will be a stronger, more disciplined person; i will be an asset to society, and a defender of the american way of life. The closer i get to departure i have more and more of the feelings i felt when i swore in. I am both dreading and awaiting that day. I am dreading it because i will be leaving everyone i love, and everything familier to me for a new world. I will miss bill, ash, dan, wolf, stasha, and my family alot. I will miss the lazy sunday mornings after dan crashes over where we do nothing but drink coffee and play tekken. I will miss my deep conversations on the meaning of life and all things philisophical with wolf. I will miss the drama and all the anarchy that goes on whenever we go to see ash at her house (which is every weekend from morning to morning). Im going to miss talking to bill about pucking hodgies, jumping out of planes, and all the different ways we know to kill/hurt people. Believe it or not i will miss my family bitching at me, my mom being as strict as she is i know she does it cause she loves me. It makes me proud to know my dad is proud of my decision to serve my country. And i just know Jule is going to get a kick out of telling her friends that im away at boot. Stasha, there is not enough i can say about how much i will miss her. Im going to miss holding her in my arms, im going to miss "dr. pecker" and the countless pounds of candy we eat, ill miss the long goodbyes and passionate kisses, I will miss her eyes. I know that i truly do love her and the day i leave will bring us the longest goodbye we have ever had. I just hope that not too much will have changed between us when i come back. If she ever reads this, i want her to know that i love her, and knowing that she is mine will make boot that much easier. When i get this way i think of what it will be like to be a soldier. To know that i put myself through the hardest 9 weeks i will ever endure and know that i did it; that i willed myself to be better. Alot of people ask me "hey jay, what the fuck is your problem? why the hell would you join the army?" I usually respond with one of two things. The first is my smart ass answer to a dumb ass question "because i can mother fucker". But that is only part of it, why would anybody go to serve a country who doesnt appreciate the sacrifices we make? My reason, i want to make this country a better place for my kids and their kids. And then there is the ever-present tree-hugging, espresso-drinking, antiflag-listening, hippie mother fucker whos method of protest is calling GIs baby killers and lynching effigies of troops. Yes, i am fighting for that shit bags' right to do that, because i love living in a country where you have the right to be an asshole. I am making huge sacrifices for his/her right to treat me and my brothers like garbage, and i dont even ask for a thankyou because i will not go through life thinking only of the reward. I used to be one of those punks who didnt like this god damn war, i used to be into the whole anarchy thing. But then i realized a few of things: 1. i will do more to bring our guys home than holding up a sign and protesting will ever do. 2. America is the biggest and baddest kid on the block, and with that comes alot of responsibility. Sure Saddam wasnt a threat to us, but how could a country with the power to change things sit back and complacently watch countless people be murdered, all in the name of power. There is not one moral and compassionate person out there who would say the world would be better with Saddam in power. dont fuckin argue with me, cause you know im right. Enought of the damn politics, i hate politics. i just want to say to all my friends that i love you all, you are my brothers and sisters, and i would gladly take a bullet for any one of you. To stasha, i know things are rough right know but we will make it through this, and in 6 months things will be better than ever. To bill HOOAHH! and make sure you save some taliban fuckers for me, see you on the field in three years (im going to finish school before i go airborne ranger). I love you all, and i wish all of you the best of luck and the most happiness that i can wish upon anybody. Out. Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: None (1 Comment |Comment on this)